Paroxysms of Kate

'So you're together?'

Your friends will ask, and you will have to sit there explaining why you are not, attempting to justify your choice not to be exclusive.

You two believe you do not need a label in your relationship. It does sound quite fun and appealing. No strings attached, no responsibilities, and no over-the-top relationship drama.

So since you said, "Yeah! Why do we need labels anyway?" or "Of course, it is easier this way!" when you were asked about how things will go. Let's check if this relationship fits your emotional needs and priorities.

Here is the advice you did not ask for:

First of all, check the what-you-think or what-you-feel label. It may be no-label-forever or no-label-now-but-maybe-later. Make sure that you are on the same page. Know where you stand and what the future looks like because if you are going to invest valuable time and your Netflix account password, you deserve some clarity.

Know the difference between fooling around and getting to know each other. If you two are fooling around, you do not have to think about a particular destination. However, if you two are in the stage where you are getting to know each other, you will end up together.

Second, do not get too attached. Let’s be honest. If you mix time, affection, and sex, things get out of hand. Combining these three creates an attachment unconsciously. Emotional attachments are hard to stop. We often cannot feel it until it is too late.

What if you get too attached? Things will get more complicated. Feeling happy, angry, or even jealous is normal when you are close to someone. These feelings, though, are a no-no when you are in the no-label zone. So expect that whenever you see them with another person, your immediate reaction must be, “Oh, good for him” rather than “that cheat-ard!” You are expected to be happy for them.

Third, no expectations. Most of the time, attachment comes with expectations. If you both agreed to a "no label" kind of relationship, you do not have the right to expect things from them. This kind of relationship will not get you someone who will take you out on the most dazzlingly creative dates or someone you can text at 4:00 am when you cannot sleep. You are not with someone who will make you soup when you are sick or call you before your big meeting to wish you good luck.

He did not promise to take care of you. He did not promise to love you. He did not ask you to be his girlfriend, so do not expect him to. Face the fact that after the "no label" phase, your relationship will either begin for real or end: one way or the other. But no judgment; I understand why we always want something more.

Fourth, have fun but set some boundaries. Unless you sit down at the start of an open relationship and lay down some ground rules, everything is free. Always take into consideration the things you are not required to do or the things you do not want to do. Give no privilege if you do not want to. You make agreements, not rules.

Fifth, the most exciting part. You can say "I love you but goodbye" anytime. Since both of you are free to flirt and hit on whomever you want, you can opt-out whenever and wherever you want to. You are searching for someone you feel a connection with and who respects you. Stick to what you deserve. Have the courage to leave or at least meet halfway. After all, even a no-label relationship is still a relationship.

Have fun while it lasts because, like any bottled beer, you have to read the expiration date at some point. You must decide whether to drink it before it skunked or just let it go. But can you lose something you never had?

It is ultimately your choice. Sometimes the magic of connection is lost when we try to define it. You can stop and experience the magic. Are you still up for it?

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I can't help but to notice how effortlessly obvious and intoxicating these two stranger's connection in front of me. They are both lighting up. He was at the stage playing the keyboard and was staring at her while singing Alapaap by Eraserheads. She was sitting in front of the stage staring back at him.

After the last song, he went to her. Approaching them, I asked, "How long have you been together?"

"We're just friends." They replied.

That isn't surprising. I know a lot of people who are too blind to see what's in front of them. I am not a chemist but can see through their eyes the chemistry. The body language hides nothing. Signs and signals of a love story waiting to happen.

Chemistry as define is a simple "emotion" that two people get when they share a special connection. It is not necessarily sexual. It is the impulse feeling of "we click".

Now tell me if what I saw between those eyes’ sparks, skipped heartbeats and flushed cheeks are not chemistry. Without thinking hard, it is.

If chemistry is present, why are they not together? They really like each other.

Chemistry is just the beginning of what's to come. When we finally have this insane chemistry with someone, we want to not only keep it but also to grow it into a full-fledged relationship.

There are two parts to a relationship. One part comes naturally and the other, you must work for it. These people are still in the first part, chemistry, and attraction. The question is, when are they going to step up to the second part which is purpose and effort?

I asked them, "How long have you been friends, anyway?" They answered, "Almost a year now."

Judging from their connection, it seems that they have known each other for a very long time. That year of natural connection made them codependent with each other. That's what chemistry do. Another thing is, they surely share the same passion and interest because, in the first place, it was the strong foundation of their continuing involvement.

However, they must think that at some point, they need to stop lying about the way certain things make them feel. I know they're holding it. They're hiding it. Truth is, we can't force chemistry to exist when there is none just as we can't deny it when there is. Even good actors and actresses can't fake it.

The connection they have isn't going away. It will only be getting stronger. The more they spend time with each other, the closer they want to be. Only time will tell. They're enjoying the connection without making assumptions about the nature of it too soon. They're trying to play out and trying to remain conscious and curious as it does.

Someone once told me, if you have chemistry you only need one thing. Timing. But sometimes, timing is not cooperative. So, they need to be careful. Someday, when they are ready or not, it's either they will fill each other with love or break each other's hearts.
After a couple of months, do you want to know how their story end?

We saw each other again. I asked them, "How are you two?" Unfortunately, they chose the latter which left them in pieces. Chemistry is great and things flows smoothly but that's not always the case. The guy has a girlfriend now. The girl? Well, she's doing fine I guess. Or just pretending to be.

At some point, I was convinced that they already met their soulmates (each other) because I was so blinded by the feels only to later discover that they aren't compatible at all.

This left me thinking that even if two persons have strong chemistry, that doesn't mean they are compatible or should be together. Sometimes chemistry mistakenly draw us to believe that we are destine to each other.

Realizing that chemistry can attract us to the wrong person made me question, "Is chemistry always a good thing or it’s just another reason of hope that leaves us broken in the end?"

Want to know what happened to their love story? See HER STORY.

1 comments

to-the-girl-who-thinks-he's-losing-interest

Do you think he is losing interest?

Do this: Chase him. Don’t date other guys. Put all your focus on him. Treat him as your world. Forget how great you are and how much great things you can offer.

Stop! C'mon. Don't be dumb. You need to do the opposite of this stupidity.

He is losing interest?
Yeah.
Possibly.

But it could be the other way around. Who knows?

So, before it’s too late, consider this:

If you are confused about a guy who used to be interested, gave you all the signs including doing romantic little things and overall treating you the way you always wanted to be treated… you must realize that there’s a lot to be said for the dynamic and nature of relationships changing over time. But of course, you did not realize that from the start, did you? It happens in every relationship – the two steps backward and one step forward dance of attraction. Sometimes he's hot, sometimes he's not.

Girl let me tell you this. At the beginning of your relationship, he will do all the possible things to “woo” you. The sad truth is, that won’t continue throughout the relationship. It's a trap. That is one of the reason why we fall in love.

However, even after everything changes, you still stay. He gives you hope that there will be a future and because the future is so exciting, you forget how the current situation bother you.

Now, you have to accept the way things are right now if you really want to stay with him. If you don’t like the way things are right now, you might want to re-think whether you were ever a truly good match after all.

First, think about if it’s really a worth-it relationship. You see, when people think of a relationship, they automatically think about two people relating to each other. When something goes wrong, we then assume that one person wronged the other or that one is at fault.

Stop before you sabotage this once and for all. At this point, I know you’re in a state where you might have mixed feelings that you don’t really know what to make of. These questions: What wrong did I do to make him lose interest? Am I not enough? Am I not that worth it? is in your head. Right?

Maybe he used to be romantic and he isn’t doing the little things you loved anymore.

Maybe he stopped texting you to say he misses you.

Maybe the way he used to be isn’t how he is, and he seems emotionally distant.

Maybe he spends more time with his friends than with you.

The list could go on, but the bottom line is if you focus on the negative, you see the negative. The reality is it’s just as possible that he is more comfortable with your relationship right now. He isn’t trying to “win” you anymore, which is why his behavior has changed.

The most likely scenario (or at least one you should consider before jumping to the conclusion there is something you did wrong to make him lose interest) is that something is happening in his life that he’s dealing with. As a result, his behavior has changed.

When everything is not the way it used to be, we automatically think that he has someone new. The relationship people have with themselves is often ignored… and is most often what is to blame. Most people have poor relationships with themselves. Low self-esteem, insecurity, self-doubt, regret, shame, guilt… the list goes on and on. Nobody can make anyone else feel “worthy” or “good enough”. We know to ourselves that that feeling can only come from within.

The key is to wait. You don’t want to date a guy who’s chasing illusions and doesn’t have a good relationship with himself, don't you?

Oh, please don't tell me stupid things like, a strong woman won't beg and should stop if she feels unwanted because we deserve more than being treated like that. I know you're a strong woman. The fact that you're still with him after being disappointed by his actions is enough to be a strong woman. Yes, you don't need him, but you want him. The same reason why you're still reading this.

MORE: YOU SHOULD QUIT

Do nothing. The trick here is to not take it personally. If you take things personally or feed into constant worrying about the relationship, your mood will suffer. As a result, instead of interacting with him from a place of happy, fun, carefree energy, your interactions will have an unpleasant, sad or confrontational energy to them, which will cause him to lose interest more and pull away. You'll think that you confirmed your suspicions when, in truth, his withdrawing because of your negative mood (caused by your worries in the first place).

Just focus on the positive and stop feeding your mind with worry thoughts so you won't create a problem.

Always remember that it's not you, it's him.

There are several things he could be dealing with right now. And that would be areas which need to think about before jumping into conclusions.

You must keep in mind that men deal with problems in their own way by themselves. The last thing a man wants is to feel pity.

I’m not saying you’re trying to make him uncomfortable, but if he’s going through a hard time, pressing him to talk about things will make him feel uneasy.

MORE: 3 THINGS EVERY RELATIONSHIP SHOULD HAVE

The reality is guys need to feel like winners in the world. If you inspire him to win, you will be the woman he can’t imagine not having in his life. If you feel like he might be dealing with his own stress or a difficult situation, focus on seeing him as the man who is a "winner in the world" rather than worrying about if he’s losing interest.

It's all in how you react to him that determines if he will be hot again or not. Your positivity will show on your interactions with him and will affect how he interacts with you. This may take practice, but this is one of the effective approach to shifting your relationship back into a positive place.